dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
