in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
