I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
