I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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