There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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