how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
