"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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