I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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