Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
