mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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