I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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