brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
