Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
