"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
