Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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