He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize