i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
