God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
