he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize