matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
People in love make me want to vomit
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
