Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Vodka?
Forever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
