Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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