She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
