i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
