god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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