Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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