apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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