but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
