Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
