we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
