I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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