So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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