I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
