I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
