even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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