Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
