I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
