Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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