I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize