Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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