If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
