His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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