I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
