gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
