So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize