The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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