i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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