playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
