Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
