Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
