Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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