The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
