I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
