You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
