Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my shit smells like andre
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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