she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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