I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
