I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
