I got chris browned last night
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
