My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
