So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
