Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
