I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
