is your mom at the bar?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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