i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
